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I went to visit family and saw my twin nephews. They're pretty special to me, they were my first children born to any siblings. They've gone to private religious schools all their lives and they have always loved to see me. I play with them like their dad doesn't. We play catch, football, volleyball and wrestle around in the house. One night we were playing loudly and my brother came in an told us to "Quiet Down"!, like the cop he is. I laughed and replied, "I'm the big brother and don't forget it."
My nephews had a hard time believing that.
I continued to play with them and started to tickle them. One was laughing and playing the other told me he wasn't going to laugh because he was going to be a "Tough Guy." This info kind of shook me. I told him I was a tough guy and he said, "That's why I want to be one." That shook me up even more.
This news was really upsetting to me. I talked to him a little bit about what a tough guy is and let it go but, I didn't. It upset me so much that I wrote him a 3 page letter about what it is to be a "Tough Guy."
Most people don't know what a tough guy really is, we are not bullies. We are "Tough Guys."
Generally, we have had a lot of pain and suffering in our lives and we are taught that boys don't cry. Children should been seen and don't speak unless you're spoken to. We endure humilation and pain, psychological torture and public beatings. We have been hurt so badly by the people we love that the only way we can survive it to be silent, about every thing. We're told we are stupid and no good, good for nothing and the world would be a better place with out us. We're told we are stupid and not good enough but, they're wrong.
We're very intelligent and driven to suceed. The only sport I didn't master was baseball, with out glasses I never learned how to bat properly. Football was easy, I played defense. I did gymnastics, surfing, SCUBA diving, earned a merit badge for fencing, sailing all by the I was 13. I was an Eagle Boy Scout. I could rebuild any engine and work on any car or motor cycle. My grades weren't good but, Hey, they told me I was stupid. Who am I to disappoint the people who raised me. It takes a lot of brains to keep finding new and exciting ways to get into trouble.
I was aressted at 17 1/2 for 36 felonies. The judge told me I was going into the Army, I was too smart for my own good. I'm one of the first people to be arested for CC fraud, theft, forgery, sells and a whole bunch of other stuff. The Army recruited me to be an officer in cryptology. A spy, an intelligence geek. I tried but, I needed war. The tougher the better.
We build walls around us so no one can get close to us. People close to us cause us the greatest pain so, we withdraw from the world. We don't talk unless spoken to. We hate bullies, people who think their size and strenght gives them the right to inflict pain upon other people. We especially hate those who pick on people weaker than themselves. Wife beaters, child abusers and any one who victimizes others.
We don't start fights, we finish them. I had a wife beater tell me I was afraid of him. I told him, "Anyone who has to slap his wife around, to feel big, doesn't frighten me." I guess the look in my eyes told him he was wrong.
We are so full of pain, hurt, anger, rage and fury at the injustices we have endured and see in the world that we become walking bombs. The bad thing about this is that we don't know what will set us off. We don't trust people and never let any one close. They are the ones who have hurt us so we give up trying.
I have been in many fights and I have only lost a few. Those were ones I started. (Broke rule #1 of the tough guy rule book). Because I'm big? Not hardly. I used to have rage black outs. Red Outs, hysterical amnesia is the medical term for it and I have been hospitalized for it. Once I even broke out of a mental ward and escaped from the hospital. When I was picked by the police they called the hospital and asked if they wanted me back. The hospital said hell no.
When I was 8 my father took me into the front yard to give me a beating. Always outside. There wasn't enough room in the house for his type of beatings. I believe he like to beat me because I can only remember him hitting my brother once and never my sisters. It was me and my mom. He would take my left wrist into his grasp, hold the belt with his right hand and beat me until I started to run in a circle, kind of like you see horse trainers doing. The beating would continue until I started yelling, screaming and crying, then he would stop.This day I realized what he liked and I was not going to give it to him. I was not going to move or make a sound. I was going to beat him.
I stood in one spot and never made a sound or moved. I remember my mom yelling at my dad to stop, he was going to kill me. He didn't and I still didn't move or make a sound. He finally stoped when he couldn't swing his belt any longer and I was still silent. My mother ran up to me and I waved her off with my hand. Silently, I walked through the gate and went into the house through the back door. My mother had to cut my clothes off. But I never made a sound.
That day, that decision fucked up my life. That's the day I became a tough guy. No matter what happens I will not make a sound. You don't hear me crying, screaming (unless I'm having fun) or whining about any thing. Life's tough and I'm a tough guy. I've had my teeth drilled without lidocaine and stiches without any thing for pain.
I told him all the things that go on in life because you're afraid to ask. Rejection is a terrible thing, especially when it took you so long to build up the nerve to ask a girl to dance. To do any thing with you. I can honestly say that 90% of the girls and women I have been with made the 1st move with me. It's not that I think I'm that great, I'm that scared. And tough guys don't show fear. So you spend most of your life alone.
I know in the interview it asks if you would recommend being an escort to some one else. I would never recommend being a "Tough Guy" to any one.
The letter I wrote to my nephew impressed him in a way I never believed would happen. He became a minister. He still has the letter.
So, if you think tough guys don't cry think again. I've been shot, stabbed, blown up, hit and run over by cars and trucks and I'm still here. I'm tougher than any material ever made by man, on the out side, but inside, I'm still a scared little kid and soft as a marshmellow.
We "Tough Guys" just hide our emotions well.
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General Blog Category: Relationships, Romance, Love
Current Mood: contemplative
Added on: 07/27/07 23:48
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This last week I have been to the birthday parties of two 1yr olds. What really struck me was the different environments for each party.
Party 1 was held at a park with picinic tables and BBQs, a water play area and 3 or 4 play grounds. Lots of grass for the little ones to play on and eat.
I've know baby A's dad for years, he and my son have been friends since they were 6. So, I'm know as Uncle Paul and have been around him since he was born. At the party there were a lot of people and kids, at 1 yr babies start their seperation anxiety stage. When they can't walk it's easy to get used to different people holding you.
I got to hold him for a short time before he wanted to go back where he felt more secure,his Nana.
I played with him and his new wagon and gave him rides and let him push it around when he wanted to. I also got a big wet sloppy kiss.
Baby B's party was held indoors in a house that was way too small for all the people there. Baby B was happy to see me but that was about it. Too little room and way too many people. To babies we are giants and it's a little hard walking around people who seem as large as trees. I left early because all the little people felt the same way: Cranky.
Last year I planted a Magnolia tree in my front yard. I've had a thing about Magnolia's since I was a kid. There was a 500 yr old Magnolia on my grandfather's farm, it was huge. The roots were so huge they made a lounge chair for me. That was the place I went when things got bad or I just felt like being alone. It was my place.
My little tree went though hell last year. The winter was so windy that I had to wrap my tree in plastic to keep it from being blown apart by the wind. A limb from another tree broke and fell on my tree. I've been struggling all year long trying to save my tree. I've prayed and watered and done every thing I could.
A friend of mine owns an orchard, he had me come out to his place and showed me what they do to fruit and walnut trees to get the to start producing fruit. They flood the orchard in 2 feet of water for a month. This water makes the tree produce fruit. He suggested I try the same thing on my Magnolia. It's a southern tree that grows in hot humid climates, maybe, I wasn't giving it enough water. The past few days I've been thinking I might be drowning it.
It is growing. Growing like crazy, leaves, branches and flowers and I'm happy as hell.
What's all this got to do with me? In a few weeks I will have been clean and sober for 1 yr longer than I was a drunk. So, I'm going to be 1, again. I've got the rest of my life to do it right and, hopefully, I do it right.
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Current Mood: contemplative
Added on: 07/22/07 22:11
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Some times I wonder if I'm crazy. Not insane but just plain crazy. My father spent 3 yrs in a VA mental ward from 1963-66. He was a parnoid schietzophrenic (?) and an alcholoic, after he got discharged from the hospital he used to say, "I'm crazy and have papers to prove it". So, I wonder if I am.
Mental insanity and schietophrina (?) can be genetic and passed on to off-spring or grandchildren so, do I have to worry?
Some times I read some thing I have writen and wonder where the hell does this shit come from. I know there isn't one person out there who has had a "Perfect life" but are we all fucked up, a little bit?
I was talking to a good friend of mine from AA and we were talking about our childhoods. He's adopted, doesn't know who his biological parents are, his mom died when he was a kid and he ended up living on the streets at 14. Talk about Fucked up. Then I told him about mine and he's telling me how terrible my life was. I thought every one had the same kind of life I had.
Does that make me crazy? To think that what I have been through in life is the same thing every one else goes through? I don't know. I have told pshrinks and psycologists (I know that's not how to spell it) and other vets things I have been through and been told to stop because they couldn't bear to hear any more. I had my pshrink crying.
To me it's no big deal. I rattle off my story like I'm reading a news paper or book. It's the facts, Mamm, "Just the facts". For the most part I have no emotional involvement with it but, some times, the stupid little things just tear me up. It's funny, at least it is to me. So, am I crazy?
When I was forced into a medical disability retirement it was for psychological reasons as well as physical. I knew that if I stayed on the Bridge I was going to die. I had never felt that before and it scared the shit out of me. I NEVER felt that I was going to die in the war, I would be the one to survive a direct nuclear explosion. But there is no place to run on a Bridge.
So, I'm rated as 100% disabled due to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I'm crazy and I've got papers to prove it.
Hell, yeah I'm crazy and I wouldn't have it any other way. It's too much fun!
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General Blog Category: None
Current Mood: ecstatic
Added on: 07/17/07 00:31
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Things have gotten so hetic and crazy at my house with my sister and niece that I had to run away.
What's funny about that? When I was little I used to run away and my mom would always tell me that was fine but, I couldn't cross the street. I'd been run over, pinned and draged by a pannel truck, so crossing the street was one thing I wasn't allowed to do. The one and only beating I got from my mom was for crossing a highway when I was 6. She made me get my own switch. Needless to say, I didn't cross the street for a long time.
Now that my sister has been here the stress of her condition, supporting her and all the medical shit I get crazy. Even my AA meetings haven't been that much help. So I ran away.
I made an appointment with a lady and went to see her. It was either that or rent a hotel room for a week just to get out of the house. Las Vegas was hot as hell, 106, but I still had a great time. The time I spent there was just what I needed. Not just the sex but the getting away from the house and not having to think of any thing but me. That's a luxury I don't often get.
I know that I will do it again. I can not get angry or mad with my sister, at least I can't have an argument with her. When she gets upset she has sizures or her Lupus acts up so, I get stuck with botteling up my emotions until I can't see straight and I start to go crazy. I have to leave before I explode so I run away.
It's been like that for years. When I was younger I used to break bricks with a hammer or glass jars by throwing them. I don't do that kind of stuff any more but I do get so pissed that I sometimes feel like going out and beating the shit out of some one. When I was young I was told, "It takes a bigger man to walk away from a fight than to get in one." Since I quit drinking that's what I do. God, it is hard.
So now I run away. It's one of the best things I can do to get a break from stress and being angry.
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Current Mood: contemplative
Added on: 07/15/07 20:52
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Well, today was quite a day. I went to the doctor for a physical. Whoa, am I glad to learn all the new changes that have taken place over the past few years. Instead of all these unpleasant finger probing exams they can check for most things by blood tests. Thank you God.
One of the things that surprised her was how little infomation was in my records. I don't like going to the doc's. I don' t care it's just too much for me. Hospitals are worse.
I 'm in good health and she wants to run these tests that they do when you get to be a certian age. Hell, she wasn't even embarassed about me getting dressed in front of her. She said if I didn't care she didn't. I've been telling them that for years. I spent 3 months in the hospital after the 1st time I was seriously wounded. More women have seen my naked skinny but than I've ever seen of their's.
But I'm in good health. Just gotta try and put some weight on. Hell of a thing to be told you could gain 10-15 lbs. I'm one of these people who don't eat when they get upset. She's going to give me some pill to increase my appitite. May be my clothes will fit, again.
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General Blog Category: Client's Experiences
Current Mood: happy
Added on: 07/10/07 04:53
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I was reading a lot of articles on the history of the American Revolutionary War.
Most American's think the French did not enter into the U.S. war until the later part of the war. The truth is is that the French Navy declared war on the British and waged, at that time, a world war against the British. The French Navy attacked British Naval Instalitations from the English coast, down to the African Coast, in Egypt, India and the British Islands in the South Pacific including China.
The French Navy prevented the British Navy from amassing a Naval war fleet that would have smashed the American Revolution within the first couple of years.
Lately American flags have been, mainly, manufactured for home usage in China. There is a law pending in many states that state that flags used in public schools and public building must be manufactured in the U.S.
This is a billion dollar industry and we are sending our money to China for American Flags.
The following is the web site for a news article about this proposed law.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070703/ap_on_re_us/foreign_flags
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Current Mood: hopeful
Added on: 07/04/07 21:53
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I want to wish everyone a Happy Fourth of July. I know that this is the Idependence Day for the US but, I want to wish every one in every country a Happy Independence Day. I know a lot of other countries have Independence Days just not the 4th.
Least it be forgotten, Independence Days are usually won by the cost of human lives. Freedom is not Free! I was wounded 5 times in war and I am very proud of my wonds and my service to my country.
I am also proud of every man and woman who fought or served or helped their country win its Independence. Only those who have lost some one can truly understand the cost of Freedom. Those of us who have survived know the cost, Dearly.
So have a Happy Independence Day and be safe. Don't blow yourselves up or any thing else.
It was my honor and duty to serve my country just as it was for every soilder in the world. If you know a veteran, thank him for your freedom.
I was outside today getting ready for the fire works for tonight and my BBQ party when one on my neighbors stoped to thank me for my service and wish me a Happy 4th.
There are people who know I'm a vet from my lisence plates and thank me often. It makes me proud that people respect Veterans. Happy 4th.
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Current Mood: grateful
Added on: 07/04/07 00:18
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The History Channel had an interesting program on about the moon and the way its orbit affects our weather. Did you know that with out the moon in the presice orbit it is in around the Earth that this planet would be a strom ravvaged uninhabitale planet? It's true, I didn't know.
Gallieo was the 1st perosn to "discover" the moon. It was thought to be flat, like the world, and his telescope proved it was round and had a surface to it. That was about all he cared about it. He was more interested in the other planets. He never made any attempt to discover its orgion.
For years the theory of the earth's and moon's and planets orgions were thought to have been pieces of the sun that were thrown off during its formation. That has change many times.
George Darwin, the son of Charles, developed a theory that the moon "evolved" from the earth. It was excess matter that wasn't needed or, like a cell spliting, and the moon seperated from the earth. He even had a mathimatical theory that could prove that the moons orbit could be back traced to 50,000 miles of the earth. At that distance the moon would have circled the earth 6 times a day. But it could never be brought closer than 50K miles. Darwin went on to become a leading scientits in weather systems and studies.
Thomas Jefferson Suell, comanding office of Mare Island Naval Station near Vallejo, developed the "Capture Theory". If the sun's gravity could capture and hold the planets, why couldn't the earth do the same. It had credance for years until the earth's gravity was proved insufficient.
There has been the "Small Fusion Hypothesis" about how or solar system developed by being a swirling gas cloud that slowly developed into seperated "rings" and began to collapse on themselves forming the Sun and planets. Researchers of the "Bermuda Triangle" have gone as far as theorizing that a "Black Hole" may exist in the earth causing the gravational changes in that area.
The sun and planets are believed to be made of the material of stars. As one scientist put it: Uraninium is not something that would exist without the influence of stellar material in a planets orgin. But what about the moon?
It wasn't until the Apollo Space Program that man had rocks from the moon to study them that they learned there is a difference. The surface of the moon contains less minerals that does the earth. It is also made up of small rocks and materials that have been cryatalized togther by the heat of impacting metors.
William Hartman is the scientist who has developed "The Griant Impact Theory" and it is held in popular bellief amoung many leading scientists.
This theory is about when the solar system was developing and the planet was still a molten ball of material circleing the sun. It was hit by an object the size of Mars and the obect went off in a different direction and the earth, being molten, resealed itself and settled into a new orbit. What is unsure is if it was Mars, itself that hit the earth.
The debri from this impact would have been cast off material from both objects and being molten, could have developed enough gravity and density to colase into the moon.
The moon affects our planet in many way more than just the tides. Which in some places is as much a 55 feet twice a day. The moon's obrit around earth is at the precise degree which allows us to have the climates we have. With out it the earth would be a storm ravaged planet that, probaly, would not have supported human life.
Problem is: the moon is getting further away from earth evey day. True it's only .063cm a day but that is going to affect the total global weather system, today.
It's not just the planet going through it weather changes as it has every 150K years since the planet was formed, it is now the changing orbit of the moon.
Folks, we are in the middle of a global planet change.
Take care stay safe.
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General Blog Category: News and Politics
Current Mood: contemplative
Added on: 07/02/07 16:49
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Many of you know frommy blogs that I have a keen interest in health and it's issues. The following is the leader into a story I down loaded from the web. It was writen by MIKE STOBBE, AP Medical Writer on 25 June 2007.
ATLANTA- A dangerous, drug-resistant staph germ may be infecting as many as 5 percent of hospitial and nursing home patients, according to a comprehensive study.
At least 30,000 U.S. hospital patients may have the superbug at any given time, according to a survey released Monday by the Association for Professionals in the Infedtion Dontrol and Epidemiology.
The estimate is about 10 times the rate that some health officials had previously estimated.
Some federal health officials said the had not seen the study and could not comment on its methodology or its prevalence. But they welcomed added attention to the problem.
"This is a welcome piece of information that emphasixes that this is a huge problem in health care facilities, and more needs to done to prevent it," said Dr. John Jernigan and epidemiologist with the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
I tried to post this in the Article section of this web site but I guess I just don't know how to do it correctly. It is posted in my articles, how ever.
The web site is:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070625/ap_on_he_me/staph_infections
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Current Mood: thoughtful
Added on: 06/27/07 23:49
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I must say that having my sister and niece with me this summer has been a real strain, both physically, emotionally and financially. I have paid out more money for my sister's treatment than I have paid for my own in 5 yrs. Of course, the only time I go to a doctor is for broken bones or being really ill. Then I don't go for about 2 weeks. Stupid, I know, but when you've been in a hospital as many times as I have, you stay away from doctors.
I was hit by a drunk drive on the morning of Friday, 13 Sep. Bad luck, you say? Hell the doc told me that if I hadn't been a weight lifter I would have been dead. Said I should have had my spinal cord severed. Well, an 19 inch neck helped a lot. Last doc I saw told me I'd been operated on 20 times in 12 years. I didn't know that, I was so drugged up I had no idea of how many operations I had.
I took my sister to an appointment at a clinic and while she was giving the lady some information, my sister goes all wierd and the lady freaks and call a doc and they put her in the hospital right then.
No heart attack but a problem with the blood flow to her heart and high blood pressure, dietabities, Lupus, epilepsy and God only know what else. We go back to the clinic on Thursday for more tests.
The problem is she doesn't have insurance and we're trying to sell her house and get her on SSDI and medi-cal, medi-care and going to try AARP for health insurance.
I can't believe she hasn't applied for SSDI before moving in with me. Her late husband lied to her about being in the Army reserves for 20 years. He was discharged after 3 yrs and 9 mos. He was discharges after 9 mos and re-uped for 3 so he could become a 2nd Lt. a () day wonder, we called them. We checked out all her survivor benifits from the VA and learned the truth. He didn't have any. He sure as hell spent a lot of money on fake uniforms and ribbons.
Any way, my sister and niece have been gone for about 5 days and it has been a break that I needed. I thought about going to see an sp but I decided against it for the simple reason I didn't know how long my sister would be gone.
My plans for the summer have change dramatically and I really don't know what I'm going to do. I've been thinking about going to see an sp in another city, just so I can get away and have a break. I'll probably go somewhere for a long weekend and spend some time with one but, I'd like to have a couple of days for myself and rest and not have to think about a lot of things. Just think about doing things for myself. Which is one of the things I don't do often.
I'm one of those people who are always ready to help some one else but, when it comes to me I think I can deal with every thing. Fact is: I can't. So, I'm going to go some where and meet an sp who will make me forget the problems at home.
I've given up alcohol and drugs. I'm trying to stop smoking but, the day I stop thinking about women is the day I'll be ready to give up the ghost.
I hope some of you have checked my article on the quality of water in the article section. I just down loaded a story from ABC news that talks about new antibiotics resistant stains of Staph. I wrote my article first and now the news is doing the same things. Too bad I can''t sue them.
Take care of yourselves and stay healthy.
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General Blog Category: None
Current Mood: contemplative
Added on: 06/26/07 19:41
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I read a post by Jade4u and one by Carolina Aroura (sorry for spelling).
Jade4u's was about relationship or the idea of one man's opinion. Carolina's was about how a man used the word professional, in an unlikndly manner.
I don't want to post this in blog it should be in a forum or article but I haven't figured out how to do that, yet.
David Mamet worte in :"Lake Boat", a scene called ;" Joe's Sucide".
It talks about the difference, or lack of, between blue collar workers and the doctors and lawyers they are force to have on their work boat.
Joe wants to know what the fuck is the difference between a doctor and he. They both trade their work for money, right. They give their time and they get paid for it. So, what's the difference between a doc and him?
Joe then tells of a dream to have been a ballet dancer. ""You know how much work it takes to be a dancer?""
The key items here are lack of respect and ego. This is nothing new and will never be gone.
And if you look at the REAL news you will learn that Scientists believe the human pouplatin on this planet only havs about 100K yr - 125K to survive. We are going to kill ourselves of with pollutians and global warming. They did mention the possibility of a biological accident as number 2. What they failed to mention is that we now have anti biotics in our drinking water which means, every one already has a raised tolerance for the most commonly used anti biotics.
Get used to it we're all going to die.
So why do people treat other people with disrespect and think it's "alright", for them, to give some one shit. This world has changed in a great many ways but, the curse of inhumanity and egoism and arrogance has remained the same.
It really breaks my heart. I did 2 combat tours in war. I have been humanity at it's worst. And just to hear or read the way other people treat one another, just because of sex or ecconic status makes me want to scream.
Human beings are human beings. We all want the same things, to live, to be happy, healthy and to have all our needs met. And, some of our wants. But in the end, we all have red blood. A heart, a soul, a mind and brain.
So why do some people CHOOSE to be "Terminal Asshholes"? I, my self am a "Situtaional Asshole". Give me the right situation and I CAN be an asshole. Most of us are. An FBI instructor informed me ot that in 1973.
He got pissed when I agreed, laughing my ass off. "That's Me"!
Every person should realize that if you want to survive in this world you need to respect the other person the way you expect to be treated.
I don't know about most people, but if you treat me like shit, I'm going to treat you like shit. I am a miror of your behavior. And I don't like it.
We all get paid for our time, we do our choosen profession because we get a sense of satisfacton from doing it. I, probably, would have stayed a career soilder except for the back stabbing ass kissing BS. What's that say about me? Who wants to live with a man who kills for his country for a profession. It was my duty, it was my hounor. Doesn't that make me fucked up?
Why would a woman want to be in a relation ship or married to me? She has to deal with more shit than you can imagine. I took high risk jobs. I took jobs that took me away from my home. I'm independent, stubbron and hard to live with. So why would any woman want me?
And this guy was questioning the lives and relationships of sp's. I'd like to know what secrets he's hidding. All questionaire have pre determined outcomes.
People have this misconception of the perfect life and the perfect past. I'M here to tell you, You've already lived it. We are where we are because we choose to be here.
Any one who tells you are less than you are is full of shit. We are all human beings, we all are born with inherient diginty.
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General Blog Category: None
Current Mood: contemplative
Added on: 06/11/07 09:29
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I showed my sister the pictures of my zip lining tour and she said it looks like fun but, she'd never do it.
Some how our talks led to things that were fun and laughter and when I explained what I was doing in the photos, we started laughing harder.
We started to talk about family and the ones we had lost and we remembered good times we had with them. A lot of those memories are from growing up together.
I hav family all across America. I don't know them all, but I know where they are. I have cousins that were the same age as my parents. So many of my cousins were 8-25 yrs older that I was.
One summer, while spending time with my aunt and uncle, in Baton Rouge, My 2 older cousins told my brother and I to dig a hole to China and gave us two shovles. My little sister remember this.
We talked about it, as much as she remember (this was prior to her skull fracture and brain surgey) and I told her the rest.
Our cousins, Larry and Dickie, told us to dig a hole to China. I guess they thaougt a couple of little kids would get tired and stop.
Wrong! My brother, my self and my sister( she only dug a little, she's the baby), took this as serious business. We were digging a hole to China! Larry and Dickie didn't realize what they had unleashed. To compound it, they didn't check on us.
My brother and I had a hole dug about 4 feet deep and in a 4 foot circle. I think we were 5&6, we had to throw the drit up over our shoulders. We were going to China, the Road Runner and Bugs Bunny could do it, why not us.
I guess we dug for 3 or 4 hours before our dousins came back and they freaked! What Are You Guys Doing?
We're digging a hole to China, just like you told us.
They paniced. They thought we would stop, they only wanted to plant a tree. Older kids don't realized how much their younger siblings look up to them. When they say, " We're" that mean them and US! We're going to do something, they can set a little atomic bomb off.
Little kids are the real "Intellegent Beings" that come with the sign, "Batteries Not Included". They run on love and affection, trust and the knowlegde that you believe in them. Thas's why they can do any thing.
I call them: " Little big heads, fat cheeks and big eyes. Always watching always learning always seeking approval as a sign of love and to build their self confidence. All you gotta do is, love em, feed em, kiss em and hold em. They'll do what ever you want, when tey feel like it.
It works pretty good until they turn 8. "They walk on your feet for the first ten years and then they walk on your heart for the next ten". That's what one of my Superintendent's told me. I didn't believe him, he was right.
Your poor all your energy into raising a child and you try to do the best you can. We all want our children to be better people that we are, it's the nature of survival instict. But, it is also parents that limit our children.
I heard a man talk about self full filling prophies of failure. How we set ourselves up for failure. I say bull shit.
We live up to our parents expectations of failure for us. We never thought we could fail when we were little. We were told we couldn't do something, or this or that. Or not good looking enough, smart enough an on and on and on.
I have learned that all my fears and maybe failures have been based in the fear of Not enough. Not enough money, brains, looks, strength, popularity. You name it. I never had or was not good enough.
I sure as hell didn't start off life like that. I could do any thing. And each and every one of us believe the same way. It's time to start believing that again. Other that political and ecconamical, the only thing holding us back is ourselves.
Surrenedr to your fears and Declare Victory. It makes life a lot more fun.
Every one take care of your selves.
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Current Mood: grateful
Added on: 06/08/07 02:46
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I just got home from a 3 day trip to Vncouver B.C.. I met a wonderful lady who went zip lining with me at Whistler mountain. It was Great. Hanging from a cable 150 feet above the ground zipping through a Costal Tempret Raniforest as fast as you can go! Hanging upside down from a harness and spinning in the air, watching the trees and river go by underneath you. Screaming and yelling just because it is so exciting.
The lady who I went with waited until we got up on a platform and grab me and told me she was " a little afraid of heights" but, she went any way and told me should would love to go again. We did 2 tours whhich had 5 zips each. A total of 10 zips in 6 hours. 3 hours each tour.
I can't write a review because the lady was not from this site. But, I want to tell you zip lining is like 6 hours of foreplay. It was fantastic. I told a friend of mine, "If I could imagine having sex after a fire fight This is what it must feel like". Full of excitment, full of life and greatful to be alive and in the great out doors of the beautiful mountains and fresh air.
If you ever get the chance, you have to try this. Whistler had the longest zip in North America until last week. 1100 feet. Alaska has one of 2500 feet. I don't know. I might have to try it.
When I figure out how to post some pictures, I will.
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Current Mood: ecstatic
Added on: 06/07/07 23:52
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I finally found one escort who will go ziplining with me.
I had been in contact with an sp from Vancouver who when I initally contacted her about rafting she suggested ziplining. I agreed and we set a date. Then my sister got ill. Contaced her and was ready to help. Reset date after my sister was ill and then she had to reschedule. No problem, I was happy to find some one who would go with me.
We rescheduled the date to when she would be availabe. I made flight, hotel, car and zip tour reservations and sent her the info.
I called her 2 weeks ago, on her cell, and she asked me to call later.
I have called repeatedly and emailed. No replies only voice mail.
Last week I must have email half of the providers in Vancouver. My trip is scheduled for Wenesday, I've been in a panic!!! I heard back from a few sp's but, only one was intereted but she's ill.
I had to expand my search and found 2 sp's on another site but, only 1 has agreed to meet me Wednesday, in Vancouver, at 7 AM to join me in my Eco-Zip-Tour at Whistler Mountain.
THANK YOU, GOD!
I mean that, seriously. I was sweating boulders. I could cancel the hotel and tour reservations but the air fare would screw me. Hell, the air fare is more than the tours and hotel combined. I would have gone alone and had a good time. I know that but, I've done way to many things, that are adventueous, by myself.
I like being scared! I love the rush of adreline and excitement. I went on the largest roller coaster, on the West Coast, at the Long Beach Pike when I was 8. I haven't lost the love yet.
If any of you ladies out there like excitement and adventure, please, let me know. I don't want to have to fly to Canada all the time.
If any of you guys are looking a lady who will join you on this, rafting or kayaking contact me and I'll give you the web address.
I'm going ziplining I'm going zipliningI'mgo...... ....
Jade4u, I'm following your advise about hair. Ouchouchouch. Pray that all are well.
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Current Mood: indescribable
Added on: 06/03/07 17:57
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Well, it's been 6 weeks since my sister moved in with me and now my niece is here for her summer break from college.
I will tell you the truth. It is driving me crazy. My sister ruined my trip that I havd planned to Vienna wit one of the escorts from this site, when she moved in.
I thought she was only shipping stuff up here before she moved in. Not moving in with her boxes. I was pissed. She never told me she was going to move up here. I had to learn that from my niece.
I thought all she needed was a place to live. Well, now, I'm her care provider. I take her to appointments, exams and any where else she needs to go. I do the cooking and cleaning and laundry.
I have tp remind her 2-3 times a day that she needs to call some one or we have to go some where for her to pick up something.
I am presently supporting my sister and niece and it's hard. This is not what I had in mind when she asked to move in with me.
I went to a men's closed AA meeting and got it all off my chest and heard from a lot of othe men who have gone through similar situations and listed to their experiences. It helped a lot.
Now I'm not so angry about it and I understand more thatn I did before I went to the meeting. I'm not alone and learned about an agency that will come in and take care of my sister, while I am gone, so I may have a break.
It's really nice to have a place where I can go in angry and upset and come out feeling relaxed and calm.
Bless all of you and stay safe
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General Blog Category: None
Current Mood: calm
Added on: 05/31/07 23:59
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I wrote this in 1968. It was published in the Army Times and is copy wrighted. I had a hard time decideding if I was going to post it.
I watched the sun explode as the moon began to cry. Rain drops from heaven like the blood flow from my eyes. The night is slowly passing and the dawn may well be neigh.
I hear a woman moaning the wail of a new born child the fear has really hit me I know I'm going to die. I wonder if it will be easy I worry it will be hard but what really has me worried do I have to do it more than once?
The world is slowly dying and I see fear in their eyes and it makes me feel Giddy and I know I want to dance. Not a dance of sorrow not one of regret or fear I want to do a dance because I know I'll not shit my pants.
I want to do a dance of anger one no one will forget. I want to a dance of Freedom one with no regret. I want to do a dance of violence and get my lunch pails worth. 2bits for a sandwich and a nickel for a beer that's all I need lets get the fuck out of here.
Slowly I cross a street littered with boold and tears and make my way to a spot where I know I'll be drinking beers. Out in the middle with the sky so weird I raise my fist high with my finger extended Fuck you God and all your little bitches. If you were here you'd kiss my ass.
Cautiously approaching I scan the door afar seeing no motion I turn to check the rear find it empty I'm closer to my beer. As I turn to take another step much to my suprise I spy the barrel of a rifle right between my eyes. Cautously extended a hand does appear making small motions telling me to come near.
I approach ever slower as gray beard comes into sight greedy little fingers grabbing at the air pleading with despair begging me to come near. Much to my chagrin I'm really pissed off this is my place to live and drink and die. This skinny little fucker so gray and frail yelling at the top of his lungs to sit my ass and have a glass of ale.
The drinking commences followed by whiskey, scotch and gin. I was busy drinking I thought my head would spin. But I could see quite dlearly as two meen did approach. One small and ugly the other just a stick. Into the bar they walk through a world destroyed wind which to me seemed lesser than when it did begin.
The two men were brothers of this I was assured the skinny little stick was a kid of theirs but of which I am not sure. The men were busy shouting a word I could not hear I heard their laughter and saw their stupid grins.
I walked to God spit in his eye and and broke Satan's scrawny neck just as I as was about to knee Jesus in the balls I though I heard a sound....
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General Blog Category: None
Current Mood: contemplative
Added on: 05/26/07 15:10
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I started a catagory on general chat forum for adventure sex dreams and Jade4u started one for a story "add a line or two.
I know a lot of other people out there have writting abilities and I would like to see some of them help on thes posts.
I want to tell you a little about myself so you can understand the setting and back ground or my experineces.
I was born on a dirt farm in Texas. The only thing we had was electricity. I was taught to shoot at the age of 4. I spent my summers hunting and shooting. My father was an untreaded parniod schitizophrenic, viloent drunk. I will not try to explain what that was like.
I joined the Army when I was 17 1/2, 63 days after I turned 18 I was in Vietnam fro my 1st tour. Six moths later I was wounded and spent 3 months in the hospital. Back to the USfor 5 months then back to Veitnam.
I worked on the highways and bridges of California for 23yrs before I was hit by a drunk driver. I worked at Caldecott Tunnels in Oakland after the fire and explosion. I worked on the Bay Bridge when it collapsed and recoved victims.
These are the things I have done and have influenced my dreams. I'm not crazy or perverted or weird. I've just had a lot of experiences that, thank fully, a lot of other people haven't. The last time I daw a shrink he said I was one of the most normal people he had ever met.
I wonder if he was telling me the truth.
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General Blog Category: None
Current Mood: determined
Added on: 05/12/07 11:35
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The past 3 weeks have been nothing if not trying. I have been spending most of my time taking care of my sister and trying to get her healthy.
I contacted a doctor when she told me her meds had been lost and he filled her meds. I then took her into see him and was referred to a free clinic for my sister. She doesn't have ins and the doc informed her it was going to be expensive so he gave us a referal. He was a great help.
Her tags on her car where stolen and she got a ticket. I took care of that problem.
She did not have a pair of glasses, I thought she wore contacts. We were watching a movie and she moved closer to the TV, I asked what she was doing and she told me. Now she has 2 pairs of glasses on order.
She had 2 teeth break and I found a dentist who could take her in the next AM and place temp crowns on her teeth. The dentist even had a discount for people without ins, who paid up front. It was a hell of a lot cheaper than I thought it would be.
Now, thing are going well. She's starting to feel better, sleep better and I'm gettig her to go with me on errands and walks. I will get her better even if it kills her:).
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General Blog Category: None
Added on: 05/10/07 09:26
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I read a posting by another hobbyist that had political questions and now I can't find it.
If some one knows this posting, please, let me know. It would be nice to start a political dialouge with some one who gives a shit.
Thanks all.
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General Blog Category: News and Politics
Current Mood: cheerful
Added on: 05/06/07 01:49
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After all the e-mails I have sent, I have, finally, gotten some responses form ladies who will do the adventure type activities I like. Most of the responses have been from local area ladies. I guess living here in Sacramento Valley has something to do with that.
Living near the Sac and American rivers a lot of water activity takes place. We have white water rafting and easy rafting, boating and all that other stuff. I guess it's really an area where you have to do something exciting to have fun.
I've made a date to go ziplinning in Vancouver with one of the ladies so, that will be my 1st adventure date.
I do my adventure outtings fairly regularly but, usually by myself. It will be a great time to share them with a woman, again.
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General Blog Category: Client's Experiences
Added on: 05/03/07 11:31
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