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Well today was a really good first day of term. Ha! All my plans to actually attend every lecture this term, shattered. Ok, so it was only an introduction to the first lab and a revision lecture for the exam on thursday, neither of which i particularily need, but thats not the point. I wouldn't have made the first one, and the only reason i would have gone to the second was if i was already in, so i missed that too. I really need things not to go further down hill with my studies, and its really going to lie in the balance. I must attend lectures, i must pass this year.
On top of that, the hot water failied in here!! No shower unless i can deal with literally ice cold water. I can survive until later with no shower, but i really want to have a wash, and there is nothing worse than having to wash ur face with cold water when the last thing you want to do is feel more awake.
On a lighter note, i actually managed to do some clearing of my room last night (between 2 and 4 am!! - maybe thats why i slept through my alarm), and i do feel much better for having done that. The entrance to my room was being clogged by far too many pairs of shoes, which are now all stored away, and the corners where piles of "urg, what do i do with this" kinda stuff accualates have been dispersed - mostly into the bin, or other piles that ill come back to later. Another few hours and my room will be spotless. I like it when i get there, its all shiny, and i can actually do work.
For a while i was going home to do work (and thats not a good thing, my parents and i dont exactly see eye to eye on most things) when it was really important, as i can focus better in a spotless environment.
So it looks as though i have to acheive two goals this term, get up and go to lectures, and keep my room tidy so i can study. If i manage to do both perfectly, it will be a miracle. But hey, we can always hope.
Ok, im feeling much better now, i was really stressed when i started to write this. :-). I feel today might actually be productive!!
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Added on: 01/10/06 05:40
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I tried to sleep on things last night, but as always happens when your mind is inundated with thoughts, visions, ideas, and fluff you can' sleep. So I mused, for many hours, and I'm still in my bed as I write this. Besides, isn't musing better than sleeping for working stuff and things through? To be honest, I'm not sure. Some of the best decisions are made without thinking about them.
I was supposed to go to a meeting in college this morning. I thought it was at 11:00 due to this strike, so at 9:25, i checked the room location, and discovered, that at the last minute thay had moved it back to 10:00!!, which would be impossible to make at that kinda time. So I sent my apologies, and stayed in bed, to muse some more.
I started to reason that to really untangle the mess that is my head (ok, to remove the knot that is this work amongst the tangle in my head), that I needed to understand why I'm drawn to this. As I said before, its not the first time I've ever worked, and to be perfectly honest, I didn't have the best experience before hand, yet I'm still drawn back. Why?
Ok, so now that I know I am drawn to do this, does it matter why? Does it matter if there are no bad reasons? If there are any bad reasons, then does it matter? (Is that a circular argument that i can use for self justification, probably not).
Today, I have decided, given that I start university tomorrow, and probably work on wednesday, it is absolutley essential that I clean my room. So as soon as this entry is complete I'm going to start this arduous task, I promise.
I'm struggling to think of bad reasons. After all, its my body, its my perogative, if I'm happy, then who cares. But isn't it more complicated than that? I guess. But thats heading down a different road, one for another Seattle night.
Do I need to know why I want to be an escort. I mean truly, deeply know what draws me back. Can there be any bad reasons? And most importantly of all, am I going to clean my room?
Sarah xx
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Added on: 01/09/06 07:56
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Hi,
Im Sarah, or atleast thats the name that i will be known by to anyone i work with. Im a 22 year old pre-operative transsexual student in London (studying for a degree i dont really want, but kind of want, at a university that will work me to death). Before i started university i had relativley big debts and what with moving to London, im being financially crippled by extortionate rent and living costs.
Ive dabbled with escorting before, but never really made a big thing of it. Some people somewhere knew that i escorted, and occasionaly i would get a call, if i was free, i'd do it, if not, then never mind. But this only happened maybe 5 times across a time gap of 18 months....
I work a regular job but the total i can earn from it, doesnt come near to funding me, and any extra student support is out of the question, becuase of some beurocratic crap that means im in some sort of finance loophole.
So, i see this advert on a website, algedly looking for glamour models, so i think, hey what the hell, i think they are probably asking for people to shoot porn (it had stuff about open mindedness and all) or something in the adult community, and it mentioned good rates of pay. So i give the number a call, and sure as that, its a new escort agency opening up. Now at this point in time, id thought about escorting, but not in a im actually going to do this kinda way. So we chatting for a few minutes, and i was certainly interested. Obviously the transsexual thing was not something they were even thinking about, but were more than happy to help.
And that sorta leaves me where i am now. Ive agreed to go ahead with it. Im not having second thoughts, i know i want to do this, i know that if it works it will help with some of my fiancial difficulties. Im not expecting the world (though it would be nice), and i know (atleast i think i do) that my studies are the priority. I guess, im nervous. And i really don't know who to talk to about it. One of the girls at the agency said she was more than happy to chat, but i kinda need to work this through either with friends (yea, right, out myself as transsexual, and tell them im an escort, that will kill some of them!!), or in pseudo-anonimity, like in a blog.
My mind is flying all over the place sometimes, and othertimes im calm, and think, i dont know what i was stressing about. I guess ill try to write a little about each of my anxieties as they come up over the next few days before i start, and then from there, try to keep sane, by writing about things.
Anyway, wish me luck!!
Sarah xx
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Added on: 01/08/06 21:27
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