2006
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I don't even know when I last posted here. I haven't been writing anything of substance in my personal blog either, but I feel like a Christmas update.
Christmas was always the holiday of my mum's side of the family, whereas New Year was my dad's side. We used to spend Christmas at our maternal grandma's house until my parents separated, then she came to us for a couple of years before she died. Apart from her parents I've never known any extended family on my mum's side, so Christmas has never been the stressful time it is for some. For a while it was just me, my mum and my sister. Me and my sister used to be at home during the school holiday while our mum was at work. After looking at the presents, feeling and shaking them for a couple of days, we'd start to peel back the wrapping a little to get a peek at what was inside. We never managed to resist fully unwrapping the presents and carefully wrapping them back up before Christmas day, but we we were still excited to open them. Our mum put comics and things in our stockings to entertain us in the morning in an attempt to have a lie-in, but they never kept us in bed for more than half an hour. When that turned out to be futile we started to stay up on Christmas Eve and open presents at midnight, which is still the tradition. As I write, it's less than ten minutes to midnight. My mum has bad toothache and is asleep on the sofa, but apparently she wants to be woken.
This is the first Christmas with my mum's new guy. They've been together for a while and it's a long story that involves infidelity, but now's not the time for that. It's nice, we used to have two distinct groups in the house and now it's one. It's quite peaceful and even the cats are happier. We've spent quite a lot of time with the four of us all sitting in the lounge on our laptops, my sister and I sometimes use instant messenger to virtually roll our eyes when the grown-ups are being daft. It's cute, really.
I'm missing my boyfriend a little. He's spending his second winter working on a cruise ship, and this time he's away for five months. Communication is difficult and frustrating, though I'm feeling better this year than I did last year, so I don't miss him intensely. I got back on the computer to find that he'd managed to get online while I wasn't there, though. That's quite sad, I'd really like to have a conversation with him in real time.
Anyway, it's midnight now. Have a good Christmas wherever you are.
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Added on: 12/24/06 18:09
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I just got some Nigerian spam in my inbox on this site.
Did everyone else get it, too?
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Added on: 05/29/06 06:08
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About 30 of my friends are in a hotel in Boston at the moment, and I can't go because I have exams and stuff.
They called me, not realising it was half past two in the morning here, to ask about Prince Alberts and foreskins.
I'd just been doing cam shows, so I did one for them. In a schoolgirl costume.
It's a funny old life.
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Added on: 05/27/06 21:23
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1: I know I'm a bit odd, my friends know I'm a bit odd, it's all good. Every so often though, there's a moment that specifically makes me think, "I'm really not normal, am I?" One of those was when the highlight of my day was my boyfriend suprising me by agreeing to go gay for pay. (I'm not even that bothered if he can't make it in the end, I just love the concept.)
2: I helped some film students out with their documentary and they filmed me pole dancing at the Candy Bar last night. They're going to send me a DVD. Eee, I've never seen myself dancing before. I hope I don't look like a numpty after all.<!--break-->
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Added on: 05/19/06 14:06
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I spent last weekend in Manchester for a gathering of friends and some time with my boyfriend. Then there's been various threads on plink about relationships, and it's all put me in boyfriend appreciation mode. And that's the sort of thing personal blogs are for.
I haven't referred to him as my boyfriend for most of the time we've been together, but it's been a while. Next month it'll have been three years since a bunch of friends descended on Brighton and every surface that was big enough for sleeping on in the flat that I still shared with my ex, my last monogamous partner. He'd escaped to his parents' house for the weekend.
I was still 19 then, with most of the social anxiety that wouldn't allow me to quite believe that someone liked me, even with sexual tension whipping about the air as it was. I coped by giving the most awful mixed signals.
People went home and it was just the two of us left. We sat in the park, looked in the windows of closed shops, kept giving each other glances and then pretending nothing had happened. We pretended not to realise what the time was, and went to a Thai restaurant near my flat. When we finished dinner we realised that he'd missed the last train that would get him to Manchester and would have to stay another night, so we rented an Eddie Izzard DVD and installed ourselves on the single bed in the spare room, where the TV was.
By the time my head was on his lap he was sure, but I didn't have the confidence to believe it. Even when he was constantly touching me, lightly, everywhere except the obvious places. Eddies show finished, and he said shall we watch the commentary? I dont mind, I said. I was incapable of making any moves myself, and hadnt done anything that didnt have some alternative innocent explanation, however contrived. He put the commentary on and I wondered how I was going to last another hour.
It wasnt that long though. He asked me what was going on and I kissed him.
We spent the rest of the evening and most of the next day touching, fucking, sleeping, cuddling. Alternating between the single bed, the double, the sofa, the shower. We managed to organise ourselves enough that he was ready to leave in time for the last train on Monday, and at that point realised that in the last 24 hours we hadnt eaten anything but a bowl of icecream between us.
We saw each other when we could, which wasnt very often since we both had trouble with money and time off. The third time was almost two weeks, though. He was also sleeping with one of his housemates, and with me visiting and getting most of the attention she couldnt help getting a bit upset, as I would have in her situation. We resolved it by having a threesome. Several of them. It was the first time for all of us, and the first time that either of us girls had explored another. I moved into her room for a few days when he went away. It was one of the loveliest times Ive ever had.
I changed a lot in that first year. He encouraged me when I was thinking of auditioning at the local strip club, and I realised I could be cool and interesting. I got confident, it was good, but Ill never have that uncertainty and anticipation that preceded the first time, which was frustrating and wonderful for me. For the first two years or so neither of us managed to have much sex with other people, so the waiting was painful and time together was mindblowing. I wasnt sure how much I liked him for sex and how much for himself, but that was ok.
Things finally got less wild after my first time in Copenhagen, the first time I slept with people for money. He was fine with it, which I expected but was still relieved to hear. Id made enough that I didnt need to worry about finding another job right away and could visit him. I was extremely sexually conscious after doing something I found so different and exciting, but he was a bit depressed at the time, so I wound myself down and we spent a sedate but nice week together. After that I couldnt build up my expectations before seeing him that used to have me raring to go. Then sometimes Id worked just before we got together and wasnt all that bothered about having sex or not. It bothered me at first, but weve settled into a different mode which is at least as good. Hes the only boyfriend Ive had who hasnt got whiney or pushy when I dont feel like having sex. Theres no jealousy and always something to say. Its the most equal and functional relationship Ive had, and I know that I dont need to be lonely just because I leave most of the people I fuck after two hours.
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Added on: 05/17/06 08:40
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As I may have said or alluded to early on in this blog, I'm not a very good student. In fact, I'm a terribly lazy student. Laziness is the one thing I'm ashamed of, but hey I thought, at least I don't get stressed. I just avoid things compulsively. I realised last week that the avoidance was masking the fact that I do have anxiety issues after all. I was trying to do something kind of important but easy and couldn't even keep reading. The sub-panicked state made it almost impossible to concentrate. It explains a lot and it's good that I've realised, but what an arse. Low motivation <em>and</em> anxiety? Well, I've got out of last week's total avoidence-fest, at least. I talked to tutors about my final year project even though I was late with the form, one of them's really nice and seems happy to have as many students around as want to be there, so I think that's ok. I made the appointment I'd been putting off with the student advisor, who's lovely and approchable but always stirs up the issues so I feel a bit funny for the rest of the day. I will use the support that's available. There are no obstacles in the rest of my life, and I'm still thankful for that.
The problems that school was triggering spilled over into the rest of my life, but I think the person I need to appologise to doesn't read this.
On a lighter note, I know why I started having inappropriate fantasies after years of that sort of thing never coming up: I wasn't an escort then. I have phases of fantasising about lecturers as clients, so I tried going through them without that aspect. Not nearly as exciting.
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Added on: 05/06/06 09:57
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When I auditioned at my first strip club, I'd never been in one before. I still really enjoyed being behind the scenes though, everyone does. My club wasn't normal, really. It has the most awful name and is decorated in orange rag-roll. The changing room is about 8 feet square, and the dancers have to clean it after work. (Fines if it's not satisfactory!)
The money I made wouldn't have much impressed a McDonalds employee, the hours sucked, getting time off was a nightmare, and the management seemed to rate "not letting strippers get ideas above their station" even higher then profit. For the year I was there though, it was worth it. I had a lot of fun, and I still fondly remember the girls and the idiosyncrasies of our particular culture.
One of the things people wouldn't think actually happened was...<!--break-->
All the spanking! I've no idea if that custom still persists, but it did for all my time there. We did it during double dances to titilate, but mostly we just did it for our own amusement. There were a few cases of handprints still visible the next night (mostly on the girls who didn't mind). We watched our backs, because if a girl found herself in a position to lay a good one on without being apprehended, it was impossible to resist. An arse sticking out on stage was the most tempting, though we could be fined for spanking it if the manager noticed.
On the other side, there were the burping contests. It was there that I learned to chill out and deal with that sort of thing.
The club was (still is) topless only. The dancers are mostly pretty ordinary local women, and the majority wouldn't be willing to go nude. It was quite innocent.
I remember after one long Saturday night, all ten or so of us were locked in our tiny changing room waiting for the staff to get rid of the last customers. We were feeling the collective hysterical euphoria that often came about when a busy night was over, and for some reason nether regions became exposed (rare at that point even in the changing room) to compare and contrast. We all showed what we had one at a time until one girl was left, and we joined in a giggly chant of "Sugar Get Your Minge Out! Suger Get Your Minge Out!" until she did, and we cheered.
Few girls stayed for more then three months and the atmosphere of the group varied, but that's one of my memories of the good times.
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Added on: 03/25/06 09:19
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This is a pretty pointless entry inspired by jono's last post, and watching TV for the first time in ages. (We can pick up BBC4, some music channel, and the sound from BBC Parliment if we're lucky.)
I watched <a href=http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcfour/cinema/features/chatterley-affair.shtml>The Chatterly Affair</a> tonight, it was very good and if you can I recommend you watch one of the repeates on Friday. For the conservative lawyer saying "cunt" a lot, if nothing else.
But... I just can't watch an anal sex scene and extract poignant meaning when they <strong>don't use any lube</strong>. The first sex scene in Brokeback Mountain was just as bad for me. People, that's not fun and it's not healthy, can't we at least have a token spit so I can suspend disbelief?<!--break-->
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Added on: 03/20/06 22:09
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I had an overnight last night. I'm not 100% recovered from my colds yet, but it was arranged a week ago and he was alright with me having a bit of a cough left. Nice to get back into it again.
I believe condom application should be a pleasent experience, and mostly succeed with that. He had his eyes closed a lot, so he didn't actually realise that I'd put it on, which was cool, I didn't know I was that smooth. It wasn't until afterwards that I found out, when he said "what's that? Oh, I didn't realise you'd put a condom on". We'd just had sex, of course I put a condom on. <em>*boggle*</em>
Letitcia has said that she was taught in Australia to do it without them noticing, and I know some other girls have that skill. If any of you are reading, have you had clients not realise they were covered until they got a look? Have you had to reassure any that everything's in order?<!--break-->
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Added on: 03/12/06 12:24
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I had to turn down another job today. It's so sad, I've been off sick for two and a half weeks. Having the heating go out made it difficult to shake the cold off, then I was finally almost done with it and seem to have picked up something else. I had to come home early on Friday because I was feeling faint. I'm feeling alright now as long as I keep popping the odd painkiller, but probably infectious at this point so had to say no. A few weeks wasn't a long time to go without sex before I started this, but having to refuse it is awful.
My next client will be a lucky one.
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Added on: 03/05/06 06:43
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I've been reading <a href=http://ex-millennialgirl.blogspot.com/>Ex-Millenial Girl</a> for most of the evening. I recommend it.
It's got me thinking about stripping, even though my experience was so different from hers. I'm not even sure where I'm going with this, if it's coherent at the end I'll hit "submit".
As far as I can tell, most clubs in the US don't seem to care if strippers meet up with customers outside. Here, I think, it's much more strict. Of course it varies, but my club once sent a mystery shopper in to make sure we were all behaving. There was club-sanctioned bending of the rules, but mostly you just don't go there. You do not go out with the punters.
There were a few people I got on with, but it was no hardship to me that our contact was limited to stripperland. There were many offers, some more interesting then others, but they didn't tempt me. I was offered thousands to go to various men's hotel rooms, this was at the time where I thought if the opportunity came up I'd like to do it just once, for a great deal of money. I didn't think of these as opportunities though. Firstly, I didn't know anything about guarding my safety, so going to some hotel room at 3am just seemed like a ridiculous concept. Secondly, I believed most of them were talking crap, and even if they meant it at the time they were likely to either sober up or pass out by 3am. Thirdly, I was too scared of the club to risk breaking the most important rule. Working there could suck, but overall I really liked my job, and they were the only guys in town.
So all those guys didn't tempt me, but it did happen twice.
One was a female customer of mine. I think of her as a regular, though I think I only saw her three times. We didn't really have a regular crowd. She didn't really spend money, an old guy she always came in with would buy her a few dances, but she was wonderful to dance for. The last time I saw her she said she made corsets and asked if I'd model them for her. These days, I probably would have memorised her email address, but I was a big wuss. I regretted it.
The other was a Canadian, he came in twice in December 2004. Both visits were after midnight, when we had a mandatory dress code of red and white christmas-themed outfits and headgear. God, that was awful. A gimmick can be good, but not when every girl in the club is doing it. I made myself an outfit, it was simple but really cute. I was pleased with it, but so fucking sick of it halfway through the month. Last year they didn't even get to wear normal costumes before midnight, just red and white fluff for a whole month. Poor girls.
So I was dressed like Santa's little sex slave, along with the fluffy snowflake deeleyboppers I bought when I was sick to death of the hat. I probably danced to S Club 7 or something almost as ridiculous at some point during the night, too. We didn't get to choose our songs, we didn't even have a DJ, and half of the songs on the WinAmp playlist seemed like they were there for a joke. I liked dancing to the ridiculous cheesy shit, it amused me, but it certainly wasn't sexy.
So, I dont know how this Canadian guy picked me out as potentially up for some sexual dominance, but he did. Maybe I was the only stripper that night not wearing fake tan.
He had a dance or two and paid for a little sit-down time. Sit-downs were charged at the same rate as dances, and we were forbidden to talk to customers for more then two songs (six minutes) if we werent being paid. (We were fined if we did, dont get me started on the fines.) I never had an act, I talked to him because I was interested in whatever he was saying. He asked me if I was interested in Domination and I said I was a sub by nature, but willing to give it a try. He said hed come back the next night, and he did.
He bought a bit more time to talk to me, which impressed the other girls; it was a slow night and we werent in a classy joint. I made sure he knew I had almost no experience and he still offered to pay me 300. We arranged a time and place to meet in public in a couple of days.
I agonised. I didnt know what to do about it. I was intrigued by the idea, but so scared of losing my job. As it was, he couldnt meet later then 1pm and at that point in my life I was rarely awake at that time, so I passively failed to set my alarm and slept through the date. I felt bad for the guy, but you shouldnt try to pick up girls in a strip club. Unless its that sort of strip club.
Im not done though! Part of the reason I was thinking about that was my pseudo long-distance boyfriend. Hes further away then usual, working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for two months. Bastard, he was watching the sun set in Barbados while I was on my fifth day without any kind of heating in the house, and it was snowing. (Its fine now, thanks.)
Weve been exchanging a few texts, which isnt much good for conversation but the little contact is nice. One day he said he had a lunch date with a stripper in New Orleans, didnt expect to get laid or anything but it was cool anyway. Bless. I didnt ask how it went, but since I cant imagine him being a weird pushy customer I assume she intended to turn up. How nice to have that freedom. I had it Copenhagen, but the girls were pretty crazy. Maybe theyre crazy in New Orleans too, I dont know.
I miss him. I always do in between seeing him, and I dont know if Ive ever told him so. I cant stand having secrets these days, I dont really have any, but how much I think about him sort of is one. Right now, I just dont say it, but I used to hide it a bit. Partly because a lot of it isnt about him, its romanticised and something Ive done for years, even before I had anyone to fantasise about (which was much more annoying). But, of course, its also because I worry about how he might react. Not too much now, Im reasonably comfortable, but its a recent development. He helped me past the walls I used to be trapped by, but (therefore) hes probably best placed to potentially hurt me. So, out of choice this time, I say a lot of what I want to in ambiguous physical language and leave it unsaid when were apart.
Im getting better, getting a little more comfortable, maybe he is too. But right now I still miss him and dont want to say so.
I should be refocusing, hes not my only option! If youve been reading for a while you might remember the nice Scottish boy. Soon after we slept together he and a girl he was seeing decided they were in the mood for monogamy so we were just friends again, but she broke up with him a few weeks ago and hes asked if Ill visit him when my terms finished. Hes still a nice boy, I like him a lot, but he hasnt played a large part in 2.5 years of my life and a chunk of my personal development. He lives a lot closer though.
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Added on: 02/26/06 19:35
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When I was very insecure, social anxiety made me think and do silly things. I was vulnerable enough that anyone I had any interest in could hurt me, and whenever I liked someone, at all, I was paranoid that if they realised they'd somehow be offended by the intrusion. If I was attracted to someone it could get really messy, but that wasn't even necessary to get me worrying. All it took was to think a person was a bit nifty for me to feel the need to hide any signs of my appreciation. I thought I didn't understand people at all, and clearly I wasn't compleatly wrong about that.
I still find it a bit difficult to let people know I like them. These things get better slowly, but when I manage to tell someone I like what they've said/done/whatever, it's never spontaneous. I think it, and then sometimes it occurs to me that that's the sort of thing I should share.
Maybe that's part of why I can be comfortable with anyone nice if I'm on intimate terms with them. A hug or a kiss when they've impressed me comes easily, whereas words often don't make it out of my head.<!--break-->
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Added on: 02/22/06 16:13
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I haven't been reading here for a few days. Too much other stuff I should be doing, but I look forward to seeing what you've all been up to when I have a bit of time.
I just had to come over and say that having a pole in my bedroom is fabulous. (I might finally learn some new tricks.)
I had a spontaneous dancing moment and had to share the image. Garth Brooks, <em>Standing Outside The Fire</em> (I don't think I've ever heard that song without dancing however I could in the circumstances). Me in fuzzy socks, purple jeans, jumper, and fuzzy beanie hat (it's cooooold tonight), pole-dancing my little emo-girl heart out. I was watching myself reflected in my window, with the lights of Brighton in the background.
Well, it amused me.
I'm warm now.<!--break-->
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Added on: 01/25/06 16:07
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Was anyone wondering if I'd managed to find a new housemate? It's not as amusing as Heather's childhood stories, but here we go.
The process wasn't nearly as bad as last time, thank god. After a slower start then we were happy with, we met several people over two days that we'd be happy to have here. We chose a gay Spanish phd student, the second gay foreign student I've lived with in this house. I'm on the look out for a hat trick, now.
He's away for two weeks, but covering the rent until he can move in. I'm now making use of the real bed and desk in the larger room (I've had pretend ones for over two years), but still have two weeks to move all my stuff up here. Hooray! Moving is boring, but at least I don't need to dump all of my stuff on the floor and then try to figure it out.
(Oh, and he likes the yellow and orange walls in my old room.)
I have all the space I need here to dance around like a dork! I have a real veiw out of the window! I was woken up by break time at the school across the road. The kids just go outside and scream for 15 minutes, it's so amusing.
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Added on: 01/16/06 06:19
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EDICT:
Men registering with online communities relating to the sex and adult entertainment industries are hereby forbidden from using any of the words "big", "long", or "thick" in their usernames.
Some can be trusted to use the words responsibly. We regret any inconvencience caused to these men, but the common good must be served.
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Added on: 01/11/06 17:45
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I'm sick of looking for housemates!
This is the third time I've done it in less then six months. Last time was a nightmare and this time we have until the 20th before we have to start paying extra rent.
Arrrrg.
Anyone want to come live in my old room? I'll let you keep the blue zebraprint rug.
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Added on: 01/06/06 15:59
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I had three bookings the week before christmas. One was an overnight, which made it the busiest outcall week I'd ever had. It could have been stressful, but they were all guys I'd seen before and I knew there was nothing to worry about. More then that though, even though I wasn't feeling myself and that did frustratingly interfere with some of my enjoyment, it was just a really lovely week. Whenever I remember it I feel warm and fuzzy, I'm really very fond of those men. One's gone back to North Carolina now, but hopefully we'll meet again in the spring, maybe it'll be ice-cream on the beach weather. (Haagen Dazs sorbet, in my case.)
Now the trivialities of the day:
I spent too much on figleaves.com. Oops. But it feels worth it when I open a big box and pull out those pretty things, all layered on top of each other. They sent me a sample bottle of J-Lo perfume too. That made me laugh, I have a pretty good bum, but that's where my identification with her ends. The stuff smells very generic to me, it takes me back to being a teenager having a spray of everything at the perfume counter. By that point we usually had every nail painted in a different colour after visiting the makeup section.
I love online shopping, I can do it all at two in the morning, and then in the next few days there's a <em>package</em>. They always get me excited, it's like my own private christmas. EBay is best, I rummage around (I love charity shops), find some gems, and for the next week I have parcels arriving. I was playing around on there last week so they're all turning up at the moment.
I asked for an external hard drive for christmas, because I've filled up most of the space on my laptop and still have CDs to rip. My step-dad sorted it out and transfered all his MP3s to it, so I have my step-dad's entire music collection. Rockin'. I plugged it in yesterday and had a look, and he has Nightwish! Hehe. I got into them when I was 16/17 and really into melodic metal, the singer has a wonderful operatic soprano voice. They got more popular a couple of years ago, but I'd overdone the metal and stopped following them by then, so I don't have these albums. Yay.
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Added on: 01/06/06 08:09
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My room is clean and tidy! Hooray! My standards aren't as high as some people's, but I do like a well-kept living space, I'm just not that good at keeping it. (I was when I lived in a huge room by the sea though, clearly I just need more space. Or less stuff, but let's not go there.)
My housemate has found a new place, so we're interveiwing prospective housemates again. Bollocks to it. I'm moving into her room though, so I get more space and more sun and a better veiw, but it means that my room's on offer and I need to keep it attractive to visitors. So I put on The Supremes and shoved everything into mostly sensible places, and then when the carpet was visible it was still daytime so I could hoover without waking people up! Great luxury, that.
I think having somewhere I could offer incalls from would be good for me, I'd have to keep it presentable.
I looked at my accounts a few days ago and realised that something I thought unlikely when it first came to mind now seems pretty reasonable. To be able to put at least 10% down for a flat in centralish Brighton once I've graduated. That would be an excellent product of my wayward youth.
There might be someone reading who pays attention to such things, so is it my imagination or has the price of flats around here gone down about 50K in the last six months?
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Added on: 01/03/06 20:31
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