Lets face it folks. The United Kingdom has turrned into a rather shitty place to live.....and i'm thinking of leaving.

Or i WAS..........but then the most extraordinary marketing opportunity was handed to me, from, of all places...THE DEPARTMENT OF WORK AND PENSIONS.

I am going to retrain for a completely different profession-------- and earn 11,000 a throw.I am going to be the official National Cock chopper........

This is the reason: TRANSEXUALS CAN NOW COP 22,000 more from the government (that is why my operating fee is 50%) by retiring early at 60....so best get in quick chaps to optimise this unexpected bonus!!!!!

I realise i will be working for a diametrically opposed team now...instead of being an avowed 'fluffer' of erections...i am now going to chop the bloomin' things off.

Form an orderly queue gents........
'Will it hurt?' i hear you ask
'Well lads' as the joke goes, 'only if you get your thumbs caught!!!!'

Saw a great newspaper story yesterday, boy has this world lost the plot.
It seems this bloke got arrested and was imprisoned (for two days) for: wait for it.....revving his car up 'in a racist manner' while in the proximity of a burkka wearing lady and her husband.

They are said to have 'felt embarrassed and degraded'

This is sher madness, and the next time i have a patron give me an orgasm i will desist from crying out 'Jesus Christ Almighty' in case i inadvertantly offend any Mad Mullah sensibilities.

You can't be too careful in this crazy world!

They do try it on don't they?

T.V companies/PR people/Radio...do they have no soul??

This was the initial foray:::




message: Hello,

I work on a night-time adult entertainment show broadcast nationally on Kerrang! radio in the UK to an audience of 3.5 mil. We have the largest share of the night time audience in the region and have the most press coverage within EMAP media group. The show is from Sunday to Thursday 10pm til 1am. We have guests from all walks of life, from gangsters to porn stars to celebs! Would you be available for an interview?

Thanks,

Lucy

Lucy Helliwell
Producer, 'Tim Shaw's Asylum'
(Gold & Silver New York award winner)
Kerrang! 105.2FM in the West Midlands
Sky Digital, Freeview, NTL and TeleWest across the UK
lucy.helliwell@kerrangradio.co.uk

www.kerrangradio.co.uk

Download the Tim Shaw's Asylum Podcast from
http://www.kerrangradio.co.uk/article.asp?id=123495






So this is what happened when i rang to enquire about her message:

'wot's it regarding' she demanded
'you emailed me'
'I email thousands of people'
'that makes me feel wanted'
'when are you free?' she enquired
'when would the interview be and is it by phone?' I parried
'nah....it's in studio'
'where are you based?'asked a heavy hearted Letitcia
'Birmingham'
'But I'm Brighton Body worship....do you pay travelling expenses?'
'No'
'Then I'm not interested'I snarled
'Fine' she said...and put the phone down......
Do you think I was being hasty????? (rhetorical question)

Good manners cost nothing.......

A very weary (and wary) Letitcia




_______________________________________________________________________

60,000 copies of a pamphlet designed to help secondary modern kids (as young as 14) to flirt, touch, talk dirty and (get this) nick mum's cling film -----to avoid sexually transmitted diseases, are being used by The qualifications and Curriculum Authority.

PSHE (personal social and health education)was NEVER like that in my day.

Even for for a teacher to MENTION the word Sex, the class would descend into a shambolic farce and have to be aborted.
The closest we got to learning about the birds and the bees in the trees was a dissected frog on a pitrie dish!!!!

A mother is quoted as saying (in indignation)'the majority of 14 yr olds are not having sex, so why should they be made to read the stuff????'

OH WAKE UP AND SMELL THE RUBBER CONDOMS MISSUS!!!

The sound bites are quite amusing also.
Education Dept: 'it's for the heads to decide'!!
The book blurb: 'there's no accounting for taste..not everyone likes oral'
***cough splutter, waves hand in the air*****

WELL I DO SIR!!!!

Gee, that created a bit of excitement together with mass hysteria of the 'nice decent families' who are now going to be curtain twitching for signs of disgusting 'comings and goings'

I cannot beleive the 'soundbites' that politicians uttered on the day.
I assume we are collectively less than thrilled to be judged as 'drug users'and 'paedophiles'

I decided to write to Fiona Mactaggart ...The home office minister (Labour Slough) who bought these new revised laws in.
If you go to www.brightonbodyworship.com/book/interviews you will see the email i sent her.

She has not gotten back to me AND i had to give my home address.....must be come kind of dreadful oversight!!!!!

The B.B.C southern counties wanted a soundbite from moi and i DESPERATELY WANTED TO SAY: I HAVE JUST FINISHED SUCKING A GORGEOUS KNOB TO SPEAK TO YOU.
i really am very naughty!!!!!

Ladies and Gents, this is the connundrum.

Why, when there is a 'contact button' on the WG's website....do men, who have no intention of patronising the advertised business, INSIST on making contact...with the preamble....'i don't want to pay for it'
The words; 'What the freaking heck are you writing to me for?' springs to mind.

I am polite and reply, but that merely fuels whatever the agenda is.
Is it a competition?

'GO FORTH AND TRY AND SCHTUPP A BRASS FOR FREE'
Is this like a lad's dare or something?????

I don't preface my request for a restaurant booking with: 'i don't pay for food'---imagine the response!!!!!

Wotsit all abart Alfie????

One of the many (silly) questions posed to me by myriad magazines is:
TELL US THE DOWNSIDE OF BEING A SEX WORKER.

i remember vaguely laughing and saying: 'having orgasms and not having to worry about money and meeting men that are mega respectful.....MMMmmmmm....let me think.......i cannot seem to think of a down side!!!!!'

They were strangely disappointed that i could not dish the dirt and be a 'moaning (not in that sense) minnie'

Having opened my orgasmic account for the New Year, i must reitterate.....I LOVE MY JOB!!!!!!
Bring it on!!!!!

Remember the gentleman who stole my story as his own and misquoted me?????
HE IS DEAD.
Committed suicide...and his funeral is tomorrow.
I hasten to add, i was 200 miles away at the time of his demise...and once i had made my tearful phone call of: 'have you no soul?'---that was it.
I have read heartfelt eulogies about what a wonderful man/father/reporter he was.......all of the words bear no relation to the person that i briefly knew.
I feel sorry for his children...and NO.....i didn't cast a spell.
Life moves on......