More on work vs. recreational sex
I have a list of all the people I've slept with, so I don't forget. I decided I needed one about a year and a half ago, a little before I started whoring. My customers not only have a place in my heart, but one in a .txt file on my hard drive. (Nothing identifying, of course.)
Today I added a new name to the recreational side for the first time in a while. It was a friend I've had my eye on for a year or so who's finally single and not living in Scotland.
I think whether I fancy someone who isn't a customer has a lot to do with how horny I am when I first get to know them. (I don't tend to be attracted to strangers.) It holds up in this case, anyway. At the moment though, I'm not in a mood to fuck anyone with a nice smile, and work is enough to satisfy me. So although I've been waiting a while to give this one a seeing to, there wasn't the anticipation that I'd have had in the days when I wasn't getting laid frequently.
It was a little strange. I used to be very timid about taking the initiative sexually. I still am a little, but work has helped with that enormously, as well as giving me experience that translates into lots of nice tricks. All good stuff, but it meant I was thinking about the experience a bit like a job, which was somewhat disconcerting. The day became one of those where making breakfast or getting more water are the only good reasons for getting out of bed. The sex was worth giving up half of my bed for, but it was all the post-coital time that stood out. I always have a good snuggle with customers; I tend to feel unsatisfied and disorientated if I have sex without that. Its nice, often very nice, but definitely different. My brains started working again by that point, so Im aware that Im providing a service, that I have to leave in a certain amount of time, often that I dont know if Ill ever see this person again, even if they say theyd like to. Spending the night student-fashion; spooning in my single bed and chatting about shared experiences and whats important to us at the time is something I can forget that I miss.
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Added on: 10/15/05 16:19
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Comments
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Ryan |
 
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Tee, hee! No, I can't see those T-shirt being a big seller! Anyway you would just get a lot of naive people coming up to you saying "Hi John!"
How about something more cryptic like "What the head doesn't know the heart cannot grieve after"
Posted on: 10/17/05 12:19
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Caroline Bennet |
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Gasp! Get thee to a dusty volume full of complete crap IMMEDIATELY!
Posted on: 10/17/05 11:53
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Anika Mae |
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I'm a scientist, but I need to write a 10 minute presentaton on feminism for Wednesday. Bugger.)
I only have one description online that I didn't write myself, at velvetroom.uk.com. I met up with the agent and she wrote it. It sounds very nice without giving any actual information. Makes me laugh every time.
Posted on: 10/17/05 11:32
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Caroline Bennet |
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Really? Sigh webmasters eh? I wish i had finished! Im in the library as we speak *yaawwwn* Hope no-one goes past and has a nose lol
Posted on: 10/17/05 11:26
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Anika Mae |
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I do get a bit overzealous when I promote openness. I realise that my natural position in society as an irresponsible adult has a lot to do with me being able to get away with being a loud and proud hooker. I just feel I have the counter the more common veiw that this part of our lives must always be hidden away.
Even though it doesn't make a lot of practical difference to me, one of the things I'm most pleased with is being able to tell my mum. She worries as is to be expected, but she accepts me, amoral stubborness and all.
Posted on: 10/17/05 11:20
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Anika Mae |
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There goes my plan to make a fortune on "World's Best John" t-shirts.
Posted on: 10/17/05 11:07
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Anika Mae |
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Ahh, I got your cherrygirls profile, which just says you have one. Well done for putting your brain to good use. I hope I can get the hang of it this time.
Posted on: 10/17/05 11:02
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Caroline Bennet |
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Yes lots of people ask that. Actually my site says ''in the middle of an MA'' which is more accurate as I began my degree a year early after 100% at Alevel english. Its my only strong subject except for art - maths and science goes riiiiiight over my head! hehe I specialise in Irish and old english poetry xx
Posted on: 10/17/05 09:29
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Ryan |
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In Germany prostitution is commonplace with licenced brothels and a large percentage of the female population working in the industry. Clearly these brothels must service the sexual needs of a large proportion of the male population. So you might expect the issue of prostitution to be one that all Germans are comfortable with. In fact that is not the case. Prostitution is a completely taboo subject in Germany - nobody talks about it and working girls are frowned upon there.
If you were a married woman with a couple of kids you might feel less positive about working girls if your husband walked in and said cheerily "Had a lovely time in Earls Court today, shagged two teenage girls from Latvia - only cost me £250". You are more likely to end up on the Tricia Goddard show telling the world what a cheating bastard your husband was and how he ruined your marriage and the upbringing of your kids and it was all some hookers fault. Societies negative view of working girls and their clients may be well founded.
I have a friend that takes hard drugs. It is screwing him up physically and mentally. It will probably kill him eventually, if he doesn't get help beforehand. Do I try and help him? No, its his business if he wants to screw up his life and he wouldn't listen to me anyway. Do I tell him he's a complete tosser for taking the stuff? No, he makes me laugh so I enjoy it when he's around - I don't want to upset the guy when the outcome wouldn't be any better. And yes, I think he is a pathetic excuse for a human being for getting involved in that scene. People are sophisticated, complex creatures and can have a seemingly positive reaction to someone on the surface but a largely negative reaction to someone underneath.
There is a preconception that the clients of working girls are seedy old men in macs that prey on teenage girls. I could challenge that prejudice by proclaiming my adultery from the rooftops but I don't think I will if you don't mind! I am sure you can understand why!
Posted on: 10/17/05 06:03
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Josephine |
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I believe if I was Anikas age now I would do the same and be open about what I did too. At 38 though I have built up friendships with a long history, some as long as 30 years (pass me my zimmer!) and have been with them through different stages in our lives. I have come into this industry at a late stage in my life and for many friends and the circle of life I mix with, this would be totally alien and shocking to them, especially family, they need to be protected from it.
I admire Anika for her openess and envy her to a degree, how good it must be knowing that people know, and are there for you if any situation arose.
I have to juggle myself and invent blind dates, appointments, research for my studying etc, its difficult lying, and now im more established in this work and a lot busier, the fibs are more frequent.
A part of me enjoys having a secret life, there is a thrill to it but when I arrive home after a job sometimes it would be lovely to discuss what I had really been doing.
I dont feel like two different people as much as I did do (apart from the pretence) as I know that a lot of what my clients see is me, well my sexual and caring side anyway.
Posted on: 10/17/05 04:03
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Anika Mae |
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Aww, only just out of the magic teens. *pinches cheeks and runs away from retaliation*
How did you manage to complete an MA already, if you don't mind me asking?
Posted on: 10/17/05 03:11
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Caroline Bennet |
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Blimey, makes me feel like an embryo! lol
Posted on: 10/16/05 20:27
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GrantAndrews |
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I think that in itself says a lot - your "tender" age... as I said, society is changing - rapidly. Social change is almost always influenced from the young and then through to the older generations. So it is extremely promising to hear that you can be completely open about your work amongst your peers in particular.
But like you say - I don't feel so different myself - BUT, I definitely have a "ME, the escort" and "ME, the everyday guy" - the only difference is that as an everyday guy I don't escort and I keep that side of my life firmly out of the public domain.
I dare say, therefore, that you may find it somewhat easier to have a conventional relationship with a person from your peer-group, simply becuase their attitudes are more open and embracing than those of the older generations. - oh to be 10-15years younger!!!
Posted on: 10/16/05 12:05
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Anika Mae |
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It must help that I'm young. I'm a 22 year old student in Brighton, of course I'm challenging sterotypes! (Yes, I note the irony.) Many people I meet are in the same stage of their life, and as for those who may not take it so well, I have nothing to lose if they do, so it's no risk.
My openness is my contribution to educating the masses. People meet me as a classmate, or friend of a friend, and then find out I'm a prostitute. With most, preconceptions are challenged before they even get to know me.
I maintain that seperate personalities are not nesessary for me. I realise I'm lucky there.
Posted on: 10/16/05 11:49
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GrantAndrews |
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... yes, I made some very sweeping generalisations - and I am sure there are exceptions - but in my experience I have never seen a "successful" relationship between industry/non-industry people. Of course, that doesn't mean it could never happen - but from what I've seen, they either melt-down or the industry partner quits to take up "conventional life". In these cases, I'd say 50% or more of these people end up coming BACK to the industry.
In terms of why we're different - well, it does kinda go without saying. We are challenging convention, therefore we are different by definition. Does that mean the two can't meet half-way, find some common ground? I don't know. Society is definitely changing; people are becoming increasingly broadminded and open-minded - but there is still a stereotypical view of industry folk a large out there... I think Leticia hit on this in a blog a few weeks ago - said we needed to CHALLENGE these stereotypes - I guess that until these stereotypes are largely defeated, there will always be a need to be two different people if you want to have wider social acceptance.
I think you are correct though - on the surface I am 2 different people - but scratch that surface and I'm the same person - its just about how you portray yourself - and everybody does that in one way or another. A gentleman at work is undoubtedly somewhat different at home with is family and different again on a boy's night out...
I suppose it is yet another interesting subject - and one that again has no black and white/wrong or right answer/point of view.
I was merely talking from personal experience. As for my former adult industry persona - it's something I don't want to detail in public - it is one which should remain lagely seperate from my life in this branch of the industry - particularly as I am no longer active in that former field!
Posted on: 10/16/05 11:17
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Anika Mae |
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I take it you were doing porn for a while, but care to elaborate on your previous involvement in the adult industry? I'd be interested in an entry on it and what brought you to escorting.
There's a lot of sweeping generalisations there! I don't dispute that they will hold true for many people, but stating them as absolutes is rather myopic.
Why on earth is it nesessary that we be two different people at work and in the rest of our lives? There was a thread about this on PuntingZone recently, and the answers were what I expected. Some girls felt like the same person with an emphasis on different aspects of their personalities, some took on a totally different role for their work persona, and others had a work persona but found that many traits became assimilated into their general personalities. These all seem like perfectly valid and potentially healthy options.
Myself, I'm very open, as I said. Apart from my father, everyone from close family to casual aquaitances knows my profession. Everyone knows what they're getting themselves into, so I see no reason why I would feel guilty. I don't partition my personality, though I have several names in use. Apart from Anika the escort, there's Mimi, who you'll see pole dancing on a stage or dressed up at a fetish club. "K" sits at the front of the lecture theatre and doesn't mind eating lunch alone in the computer lab. "I" is another name I answer to, that I've used on an online community for years. They may come across differently on the surface, but ten minutes into conversation, they're all the same girl. That's how it works for me; I'm a terrible actor.
I also dispute that relationships with those outside the industry are doomed to failure, simply because I've heard of enough people for whom it wasn't the case. My best regular sees another girl who's partner is happy to drive her to bookings. I've had a casual relationship with someone since before I started stripping, and I do believe that if circumstances were right for something more serious, my job wouldn't bother him. (I asked him recently if he felt any jelousy when I talked about other men I'd slept with. He said no, because they're almost all punters.) Those that can deal with it may be hard to find, but they do exist.
I think the idea that those of us in the adult entertainment industry are destined to be somewhat apart from the rest of the world is unnesesarily depressing.
Posted on: 10/16/05 10:55
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GrantAndrews |
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You're right - it is literally amazing how people react to sensitive disclosures - the problem is, you can NEVER be sure and I would always urge people to err on the side of caution and simply "cross the bridge when/if you come to it!"
I've worked in and around the adult industry for several years now; admittedly, I've only formally joined the ranks as a "professional male escort" in the last few weeks (so I guess, AirportAmy, in her brutal put-down is correct -I am just a newbie) - but I've got a fair amount of "crossover" experience. And one of those elements of crossover is the conventional relationship thing!
I've not had a conventional relationship that's lasted any longer than a few weeks since embarking on a life in the adult industry. Guilt plays a huge part - as does the fact that you are quite literally two different people - and never should the two cross. I have met people in the industry who have stable and fulfilling relationships - but they're generally with people who are both from WITHIN the industry. I think relationships outside of the industry are doomed to "short-term" failure - NOT because of the party outside of the industry and THEIR attitude towards their industry partner - it's becuase of the GUILT the industry partner feels... "long-term" failure, however, is almost always the reuslt of jealousy on the part of the out-of-industry partner. In my experience, relationship swith people from outside the industry will fail sooner rather than later!
I had a girlfriend for several months (lasted that long becuase she was sooo incredibly non-clingy and non-needy - she let me do what I wanted, when I wanted and virtually never questioned anything I did)who didn't have a clue about my "other persona" - but I felt terribly, terribly guilty about that, particularly becuase she was giving me so much freedom, it made me feel more than ever that I was betraying her - sorta in much the same way as Josephine describes - but additional to that - I knew I was taking a calcualted risk with my sexual health - risk that I was comfortable with taking - BUT - I was also involving my partner in those same risks - ok, we used condoms - (initially at her insistence and although I'm sure she'd have relaxed that measure, I maintained it on a purpose) but even so, I was exposing her to risks "I" was taking and she had no say in it or even knowledge of it... I felt terrible about that and it had a huge part to play in me pressing the self-destruct button on our relationship.
Although I have sometimes had a yearning to be "involved", have someone to cuddle, talk to, lean on, protect, look after, treat, someone to care for and in return be cared about - essentially, I think I'm happy with living a life I have CHOSEN to lead and have lead for a fair old length of time... it's an exciting life - a vibrant industry... I'd only get bored and restless in a relationship!
Posted on: 10/15/05 18:38
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Anika Mae |
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That must have been strange. I'm also very open, and lucky enough to be able to tell all my friends and most of my family what I do. He's known since I started, and I could tell him what I was thinking. (Not that I shared all of it.) It would have been quite a difference experience if I couldn't.
It's possible that people could suprise you with their tolerance. Of course, it would be very difficult to decide to test it knowing you could lose a friend and your privacy.
Posted on: 10/15/05 16:58
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Josephine |
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I can really identify with your comments Anika Mae. I had a night of passion with a friend recently (the first time since working) and at first it felt strange, I had to concentrate my mind, this is someone who knows me personally all about my life and worries (apart from escorting) It turned out fabulously, we had a great time. A terrible guilt came over me the next day I could not get out of my head that my beau had unwittingly slept with a prostitute, I felt like I had cheated him. Good advice from a fellow escort made me feel a little better, she asked me who I was that night, which was of course me, not the Whore of Babylon! I still find it disturbing though as ultimately Im a totally honest person, extremely sensitive to others feelings. I know for sure now that I couldn't have a close relationship while I work in this profession, unless maybe I met them through work or they were in the industry themselves.
Posted on: 10/15/05 16:41
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