Ryan's Story: Part 18 A Bizarre Pornstar Experience.
I'm a bit pissed right now so this could turn out to be more entertaining than usual (for me at least).
After shagging my Brazilian favourite and practically falling head over heels for her like some love-struck teenager (God she's good) I decided the best thing to do was to take the advice of seasoned punters and shag someone else instead. You see its not a good idea to fall for an escort especially when you are married - could turn out to be an expensive mistake and then some. So I went back to plan B: try out all the perverse sexual fantasies you have ever had in one go, porn-star style. As luck would have it (so I thought) the right lady for just such a venture was based in Earls Court. So I sneaked down to the car as it sat down in the garage and furtively made a call to book an appointment.
Earls Court, it must be said, is a rather depressing place in the middle of winter when there is nothing going on at Olympia. As you leave the underground station there are two large posters warning of the dangers of HIV as if Tony Blair himself were there pointing his finger and saying "I know what you are up to you dirty bugger, and if you can't be good for Gods sake be careful!".
The lady, being organisationally challenged, was not ready for my appearance so kept me waiting in the cold for 30 mins or so. After staggering around in the icy cold trying to avoid the attention of passing policemen and being only briefly amused by an upper middle class lady giving her wayward teenage son a good ticking off I got a call telling me that my pornstar experience (PSE) was ready.
I turned up at her apartment and she opened the door. A lady old enough to be one of my mothers best friends appeared. The lady was as attractive to me as my mums pet mongrel. She had obviously been trained at the Hattie Jaques school of erotic dance. She took firm hold of her enormous boobs and pummelled them as if considering whether they were sufficiently ripe for a prize melon contest. "What do you think of my boobs?" she said in a way that indicated that she really believed them to be prize melons "Well they are very big. Did it take a long time to grow them?" I said. she seemed less than amused by my humour as if she had realised that piss-taking was the only way I was going to enjoy the rest of the next hour. Certainly I had come to that conclusion. Enjoyable sex was out of the question - clearly I would have a better time working out how to shag my own backside.
We got down to what is commonly described is sex but what is best described as a game of "hide the policemans truncheon". I decided to hide it as quickly as possible whilst the lady proceeded to describe me as a "Naughty Boy" over and over in an inane manner so that she was rapidly driving me nuts. After a quick shafting I thought that the best finale would be to shoot my weeks worth of semen over her body and face as per the usual porn movie "champagne shot". I took aim, fired - and a congealed mass of sperm oozed out of my penis and settled into her belly button where it sat like so much unwanted semolina pudding (but without the raspberry jam on top). It wasn't quite what I had anticipated and after what had amounted to a kind of watered down "lust" for want of a better descriuption it was a bit of an anti-climax. There is something distinctly clinical and unpleasant about cleaning up your own spunk with wet-wipes that really puts PSE in perspective.
We had a good 45 minutes to go but I didn't know if I could face it. We got down to some snogging (I kept my eyes tightly shut) and I fumbled about with my fingers in her pussy. Weird. There was something in there. Something spongy and unnatural. Something I had never felt before inside a womans pussy. Something grotesque and frightening. Was it some kind of cancerous growth? No - nothing so sinister. It was a vaginal sponge soaked in spermicide. She had briefly mentioned it on the way to the bathroom but I hadn't paid much attention as the continuous repetition of "Oh you naughty boy!" had forced me to switch off from listening.
I decided to withdraw my fingers from her pussy and shove them up her backside instead. Strangely it offered no resistance. Meanwhile she licked my bum-hole. Now rimming strikes me as a very good way to get Hepatitis so I would have preferred it if I had known she had included this in her menu so I could go elsewhere - but it was too late now! I wanted (if that's the right word) to try anal - purely for scientific reasons but by now I was getting so revolted I couldn't get an erection.
Next installment: How to lay laminate flooring. No sorry. it should be "A bizarre pornstar experience continued". Fuck it I'm pissed.
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Added on: 11/01/05 19:36
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Comments
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Anika Mae |
 
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Aww, I still think it was funny.
Posted on: 11/04/05 04:48
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Ryan |
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No you weren't oversensitive Penny. It was wrong of me to use such a controversial statement in the name of cheap humour and I have actually gone back in and edited that line to avoid possible misinterpretation and offence. To be honest I am pleased that you let me know you found it disturbing as it is better to know when I have caused offence and to have the opportunity to correct matters.
I am stuck in Germany still and will be until the middle of next week. Will try and find time to post the conclusion of this particular episode later today - before I go out for a Friday night drinking session and start writing things I shouldn't!
Cheers, Ryan xx
Posted on: 11/04/05 04:34
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Thanks Ryan, maybe I was being oversensative, and in the world of black and white on a screen we hardly ever know the emotion behind the words. At the time it just seemed a very insensative thing to say.
Penny x
Posted on: 11/03/05 16:21
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Anika Mae |
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That I understand. Maybe. I was a creepy kid, and felt a facinated detatchment the first time I kissed a boy. He was a year younger then me and trying to win my affections with Bacardi Breezers.
Posted on: 11/03/05 05:23
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Ryan |
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... for that remark. It was supposed to be a bit of black humour bit it was certainly too near the knuckle! Unfortunately even a small amount of alcohol causes us to lose the ability to discriminate between "right" and "wrong" behaviour. It was meant in the same way as a mum might tell her wayward children "I could kill you I really could" and not mean it at all. Of course in reality working girls are at risk from just such extreme violence so the remark was insensitive and I apologise for it.
Posted on: 11/03/05 05:18
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Ryan |
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Well put. You will see that there is a moral to this rather amoral story when I get around to writing it.
Posted on: 11/03/05 05:14
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Ryan |
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... why I didn't just walk away! I think it became a kind of fatal fascination with the sheer horror of it all (and I am only about half-way through my description!). My interest in the "pornstar experience" was partially scientific so I think I had a kind of clinical detachment to it all - a kind of observational detachment.
Posted on: 11/03/05 05:12
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RabbitReplacement |
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Sounds like you had a waking nightmare of a time Ryan!
I can understand this happening in days of old when little cards were posted in old red phone boxes smelling of wee, but in the digital age when you can choose from a multitude of gorgeous ladies on the web and get an idea of what they look like beforehand, how did this happen?
And as others have commented why not just pay the lady for her time and inconvenience and walk away?
You really were a naughty boy weren't you!
RabbitReplacement ;)
Posted on: 11/03/05 04:57
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Josephine |
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It was because you were pissed, that you made the murderous comment Ryan! I dont understand why you went ahead with the booking if you felt on first appearances that the lady concerned was that awful, I know if I felt that bad about someone I would have given her a small sum of money, apologised, turned on my heel and got the hell out of there!
Jx
Posted on: 11/02/05 18:50
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Anika Mae |
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No, it didn't disturb me, I took it as a joke. It's the sort of thing some of my friends would say, and I thought the entry was hilarious.
Posted on: 11/02/05 18:46
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quote [I started to realise why so many working girls were murdered by their clients.] unquote
Does anyone else find this statement in the blog disturbing?? Im not saying Ryan is a murderer but his views that the way the escort he saw behaved he realised why working girls were murdered by their clients, I find quite disturbing.
Yes this does happen, usually at the bottom streetwalking end of the business, but not always. It does hit the headlines when it does happen, its very newsworthy. I have no statistics on how this relates to deaths in any other avenue in life. Personally I find that I felt more vulnerable when i did debt collecting than I do meeting a new client (as I have strict vetting/security procedures like most girls). I am also aware that I do put myself at risk everytime I meet a new client.
Are Ryans views and the way he has described his encounter with the Earls Court Escort the norm for how a Punter feels? I have no idea to be honest. I hope you did the appropriate FR's Ryan on the ladies you saw, good an bad.
Penny xx
Posted on: 11/02/05 00:18
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Letitcia |
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Oh Ryan, this is the end to a perfect day: beautiful young patrons wishing to give me tumultuous orgasms, a cheque from Borders Books---better late than never---and a hilarious blog from your self.
there is something SSSooooo funny about a man wading deeper into the mire of punting---LIKE A DOG RETURNING TO IT'S OWN VOMIT.
I'm off to bed with a smile on my face.....
Posted on: 11/01/05 20:33
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