Terror mares
Most people suffer from night mares and I wish I was one of you. I call the dreams I have terror mares and they are not the thing I usally share with people but, tonight, this one woke me up crying.
Most people are unaware that there are certian amusement parks, around the world, that have armed response units to react in the emergency there is a terrorist attacks at specific ones. I will not go into the details or name names but, I have participated in one.
I've been getting pissed of at a guy in my "Home Group" at the place I attend my AA meetings. This guy has, in the past few months, started saying that he was Lieutentant in the Army during the Vietnam war and has 156 confirmed kills and it pisses me off. He has also bragged that he has only a 3rd grade education, in the past. No Vet braggs about the number of people he has killed, it haunts us, we try to forget
When I joined the Army it was required that you have at least a High School Diploma or a General Equaloviency (?) Degree (a GED). Some of the things I am going to tell you I have only told my sponsor and no one else knows about it.
When I "graduated" from high school I did so a year early. I went to summer school the summer before I was a Freshman and continued to do so until the after the summer of my junior year and was entitle to graduate a year early. I did this so I could join the Army and go to Vietnam. I was afraid the war would be over before I would be old enough to go.
My family life was hell. My father was a paranoid schitzophrenic and a very violent man. I posted in my blog entitled "He wanted to be a tough guy" about a beating my father gave me, one time, which require to have my mother cut my clothes off me. When I was sent to see a Psychratist, after I was hit by a drunk driver at work, he wanted to know why I was so angry and told me to tell him about my child hood.
I did and he stopped me, because he was crying and told me, "You weren't abused, you were tortured." My father always told me I would be better off dead and the world would be a better place if I was dead. My older sister did the same. So, I joined the Army and voulenteered for Vietnam, not for 1 tour but for 2. I thought that if my death was the only thing that was going to make my family happy I was going to die in Vietnam. Believe me, I tried. I couldn't kill myself but, being killed in action was something I could do. When I was discharged and at my parents house my father said, "Why didn't you do us all a favor and get yourself killed this time?"
My father had served in the pacific with the Marines during the battle of Guadal Canal and The Soloman Islands. His father, a Virginia Military Institute graduate, was a career Army officer. His father was the 1st U.S. Marshall in the Terriorty of Texas and I had been an Eagle Boy Scout. I qualified for a Naval ROTC program and did a commitment just as any Reserve Officer, in the military would do actually, more.
Once a week I attended military training classes at a Navy base and 2 weeks of active duty training every summer. I have sailed on a mine sweeper from Long Beach to San Diego, on an old WWII diesel submarine (a pig boat) and did a 2 week voyage from Long Beach to Pearl Harbor on an Air Craft carrier. So when I joined the Army I was destined to become an Office, even though I didn't want to be one.
On my second tour I was a combat platoon leader and was "transferred" (kicked) out of the infantry and assigned to a Special Operations Group because I was too violent for the infantry. SOG's are not assigned to Infantry Battalions due to the nature of their opperations. I was assigned to a Support Battalion, remember, we were not supposed to exist.
The commanding office was some punk ass 22 yr old captian from the Quarter Master Corps, a fucking supply clerk. I was a 20 yr old LT. It was his goal in life to make me a "Real Soldier." Shine my boots, cut my hair and give him the respect his rank, not he, demanded. I thought he was a punk and let him know it. Being unable to bust me for anything more that being disrespectful and insuborinate he and his suck ass 1st Sergeant set me up to be busted for possesion of herion. I was Court Martialed and sentenced to 6 months of confinement and hard labor. I told my JAG attorney, a major, that before I did one day in jail I would kill both the captain and his snitch. The Major sent the Court Martial, on appeal, to the commanding general and the Court Martial was dismissed. I was discharged as a Pvt E-1, the lowest rank in the Army.
Now this guy goes around telling every one bull shit about being a Platoon Leader (a LT) in the Army claiming to have 156 confirmed kills. I told him that "White Feather", a Marine Corps sniper had only 132, which is true, the most prolific killer the U.S. military has ever produced. He served 5 tours. A confirmed kill means that some one other than you witnessed it. But this guy keeps up his bull shit. When ever I and some of the other vets start talking he runs up to us, like a puppy dog, and expects to be a part of our conversations. We don't include him in our conversations. I have told one of them about my building anger and I have told other people as well. I'm told to ignore him and to consider the source and I have tried to but I have been unsucessful. He knows I'm upset with him but he thinks it's because when he would come up to talk to me I would tell him to eat shit. He'd reply, "Well, piss on you." He thought I was joking but, his wife could tell other wise so he stopped saying that to me. Now he thinks every thing is great and I'm going to be his friend, again. The only thing I do to him is say hi and shake his hand, when he offers it.
I keep trying to have a talk with him about his "Military Career" and ask him general questions about his time in the Army and draw out his lie and tell him he is a liar and to stop claiming he is a Vet because I consider what he is doing an insult to me and every person who has ever served in the military. But, he avoids me after and before the meetings.
I'm pissed off at the Military for not letting me and a lot of other Vets re-enlist during the 1st Gulf War. We were too old, they said. We told them we only wanted to be training instructors, we were still denied.
I saw something on the news about how some Marines were killed in Iraq and got pissed off. These young men have no idea of how you fight a war, especially in a house to house environment and they are dying needlesly. I was fortunate to be trained by men who had served in WWII and Korea, these young people are being trained by people without any real knowledge of how to fight a war.
When they enter a building they use SWAT tatics not Military tatics, and it is getting them killed. The true fact of war is: kill or be killed. There are only two types of soldiers, "The quick and the dead." In a suspected hostile environment: shoot first, ask questions later. But, it's a kinder, gentler nation we live in. Colddel every one and let them get away with murder, sacrifice our young people because Congress wants to run the war the same way they did in Vietnam. This war is taking longer than WWII, the critics say. Well, Hell Yeah! The Allies bombed the shit out of Germany and most of Europe but now we're afraid of political fall out so we let the enemy have a place to hide. We don't destroy villages or towns or their factories as in WWII and with the rules of engagement, as they are, we're going to loose more people.
This is my terror mare.
I am taking part in one of these response senarrios and it is a live fire exercise. We are being shot at by men on the ground and by heliocopters, I'm part of the terrorist unit and we have hit our target and trying to escape we're picking up weapons and ammo from people on the ground. We've made it over this hill and across a bridge but we realize that our escape has been cut off so we make our way to some concret culverts (Huge drainage pipe) and ther we run into one of the units we are trying to evade. One young man confronts me and we beging to struggle and using a Judo technique of using your opponets strength against him I smash his weapon into his throat, crushing his wind pipe. Opperating on instinct, I kill him. Realizing what I have done I try to give him mouth to mouth ressucatation and medical treatment. His friends are yelling and sceaming at me and I keep trying to bring him back to llife. I can not and beging to cry, uncontrollably.
And that's how I wake up. Sobbing, my head aching and my neck in pain and I have been unable to get back to sleep. That was over 3 hrs ago and I haven't been able to call any one, yet, to talk to them about it, so I'm telling you in hopes that it will help me get over this terror mare and I can go back to sleep.
I appologize for this but, I had to get it out. I'm crying, again. I even went out and bought some cigaretts, it's been 3 months since I smoked one.
Thank you for listening.
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General Category: Client's Experiences
Current mood: scared
Added on: 11/14/07 09:06
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Comments
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paulh50 |
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I can't believe what this guy did, he was the secratary of a meeting (the person who opens up, makes coffee and get a speaker) and he quit his position without telling anyone. I guess he got a resentment against me. Don't know where he is but I hope he's not drinking.
Some people don't undrstand how much it hurts we combat vet to bull shit about being one.
One of them went out drinking because of an incident like this but, he's back. He was a combat medic. He doesn't like anyone talking about the war, even other vets. Can't say I blame him, combat medics were the bravest of the brave. I could have never been one.
Posted on: 11/19/07 00:36
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paulh50 |
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12pleaseu
Hi,
Thank you for you kind words and thoughts. I, really, appericate them.
I saw the guy, today, and told him I that the biggest reason for an alchi to get drunk is over a resentment and I hoped he didn't have one over what I said. I also told him I didn't want him to go out and get drunk over what I told him.
My dad was sick, I know that and I was the first one to forgive him. He and I were, just too much alike. I cried like a baby before he died. He was on his death bed and stayed alive until I was there, he told me he loved me and was proud of me before he died.
That was love.
Posted on: 11/16/07 18:19
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12pleaseu |
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Hi Paul,
I'm sorry to hear that you had such a hard time going back to sleep and I'm sorry to hear that you've had such a hard time. I'm glad to hear that you are doing better though! Sometimes, people say things without thinking clearly and once they say those hurtful things; those words cannot be taken back. I know how it feels myself. Hopefully, everyone will start to think about what they are to say rather than just saying anything and everything because what you do and what you say to someone else can either be healing to them or hurtful to them. I would much rather think about what to say before even saying something to anyone because I would never want to cause any harm in any way to anyone. Also, you were right in not going off on the guy! Even though he pissed you off; you were wise to not go off on him! I hope you have a great day and a great evening! Be encouraged and blessed!
Take Care&Kisses,
12pleaseu
Posted on: 11/15/07 16:48
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paulh50 |
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I went to a meeting last night and spoke to this guy asking general questions that any vet could answer. He replied it was over 30 yrs ago and could not remember.
I and other vets can answer every question I asked. I told him he had never been in the service and to stop saying he been because it was disrespectful to me and any other vet who had served our country. He never said any thing else.
When the meeting started he got up and left. After the meeting I spoke to the vet I had called and told him what had occured.
He was proud of me for "not going off" on the guy as he knows I can do when I get pissed.
Last night, when I got home I fixed my sister a snack and a sandwich for myself, ate and then went to bed.
For the 1st time in 2 weeks I did not have any bad dreams.
Posted on: 11/15/07 12:08
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paulh50 |
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I'm feeling much better. I called another vet in my group and talked to him. I'm just going to ask the guy if he, really, only has a 3rd grade education and has not graduated from high school or has a GED.
That has been a requirement, for military service, since WWII. If you ever watch the War on PBS the WWII vets say that was the best thing that every happend to them. Many of them were illerate before joining the service.
Posted on: 11/14/07 20:06
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